Charcoal is messy....

oaky this is my first time ever working with charcoal, and i think it came out okay.... just okay, but oh well, i jsut need more practice ^^

and god is charcoal messy, it's just like an ordinary a pencil but it's really dark and really soft and i've got it all over my hands, it won't come off >////<

My Chibi ^^

Shylamei and Kaganoe (Mei and Kaga)


Okay I know i know i screwed up on Kaga (girl with the black hair) oh well i'll do better next time ^_^"" er.. attempt to anyway...

Yes all of these characters belong to me i made them up ^^ these are characters that i came up with and are in my books and series... that don't quite exist yet... but are in the process ^^

Kyoji


He is our hero and main character from my series Degree. He is very shy around girls and is in love with Miki who I will be posting later. His best friend is Kigaru, who will also be posted later.

Sorgon


Our heroin and main character from my book Cross Red. She is a vampire and has a little sis named Iceris. Her two best friends are Clau and Entity... which will be posted later as well ^_^""

Taiten


Vein


Taiten and Vein are also vampires, and they are the punks off to the side of the story. They cause a lot of trouble for Srogon and her friends. They are playfully sick minded characters. They tooo are a part of Cross Red.

other characters might be posted tomorow if i have time thank you ^^

My Pencil is My Paint Brush

Cute Blonde Kid



Today is the first day of break!!! XD so in celebration I finished off one of my reall life sketches ^^ isn't she cute???? =3 it took me... about four to five hours. Which is about as long as the other two took me (the following below)

Me when I was 2


Jazzy


the first one is of my younger sister when she was 3 years old and the second one is of me when i was 2, we're much older now. For all three of these i copied a photo. I tried to do one without a photo at first and it was EPIC FAIL!! O_O anyway i've also been doing some random stuff such as the following...

Waiting


The Abyss


now which way do you think the one with the angel goes????

anyway~~~~ tomorrow i will upload some of my anime drawings ^^

Candlelight Rats

Presently we lie in the center, unknown to the worlds below and above us,
But under our glory and pride, the unknown watches our daily lives,
When eyes are shut for another dark time, the rats still have their eyes wide open and awake with paranoia behind their scruffy rotting backs,
A soul has no price and has no justice, these words are the final truth,
Exiled, for a life cannot be returned, trapped in the sewer imprisoned till souls fade…

… Return vile rats and come into the candlelight, be my kindle to tend to this fire…

Misery leaks through these soggy pipes, but the stench of hate of even more powerful,
Single candlelight is the only spark pitying the ability to see, that tiny light and that’s all while darkness wallows between cold metal walls,
Molded into the creatures they deserve to become, shoved down into the sewers eternally to spend, was it worth it?
Just beginning to understand the reasons, I wonder why I didn’t before,
Looking back my heart pauses at the sight of death, regretting that final shove away from kindness, flash back!

… Return vile rats and come into the candlelight, be my kindle to tend to this fire…

Feeling sorry for myself gazing up at the stars, from behind these rusted bars, that’s where I want to be but still, just sit,
Hiding in the cracks and corners, some stare and shriek,
They’re eyes are bulged and filling with blood, their eyes are glowing and blind with pain,
Keep watching now and don’t look away, their flesh is tearing as the moon lifts higher,
Bat wings upon this beast, their hearts beat faster and faster with every inhale and exhale they steal…

… Return vile rats and come into the candlelight, be my kindle to tend to this fire…

Fanged ones that see through blood drops, do you see in that corner?
There he sits curled up against the wall with his head in bloody knees,
Little boy of eternal youth, you stay our ruler, our master, our punishment, my deservance,
Stabbing bravery with cruel jest, you give fear a new name,
Beneath those glowering eyes a grin of torturous despair, how many times shall this lesson be learned?

… Return vile rats and come into the candlelight, be my kindle to tend to this fire…

Crush one with your fist against the concrete floor, bite off its head and start again,
Snap them into halves, break their necks, and spill their blood to drink in royalty,
Frail are their souls now to feed the beast, gushing between his lips as he chews,
Slurp up those naked tails, listen and feel the crunching and scratching of bones against your teeth,
Scrambling to their feet, just to get away from a cruel hand…

… Return vile rats and come into the candlelight, be my kindle to tend to this fire…

Midnight bell tower sounds it’s somber clanging over city streets, but underground that hollow echo is life itself,
A rose has fallen through sewer gates, kindly spread out beneath shadowy moonlight,
A creature cautiously tiptoes up to it with a whimper of prayer,
Sniffing its open red petals treating it like an angel, beginning to cry softly as blood leaves its eyes,
The last of all things sweet is dying and soon the rest will be alone, watching it’s soft petals crumple into brown wrinkles over time…

… Don’t be afraid… I’m here…

-SW~

Life Will Take Your Breath Away

The light is so bright it hurts my eyes, and my chest inflates with air,
Everything is so loud so I’m screaming too, I smell blood in the atmosphere,
My body feels cold and sensitive, my stomach is growling,
My mind is so jumbled up from this dramatic change, I’m scared so what do I do?
And where am I? All of my senses seem to sting, what kind of world is this?
Tonight a new heart beats, and a new person is exposed to the world…

“Once upon a time” is how the story goes, tales of a far away princess and her knight,
There are so many different worlds I’ve read about, but none seem to portray the one I live in,
I am young and curious about this world, it is both amazing and beautiful,
And through out the night I will dream of those far off lands, as if reality is a fairytale,
“They lived happily ever after” is how is always ends, I want a happily ever after too,
I love people and they love me, and that’s what is truly important to me…

I’m just beginning to see the world now, for what it truly is,
I thought happiness didn’t come to an end, I was terribly wrong,
This world is cruel and not what I thought, I’ve heard of death but why does it happen?
My father is dead and I’m loosing my understanding, everyone is crying,
People are speaking to me with hurtful words, and I’m crying more often too,
What kind of life is this? What happened to the life I had before?

I’m growing up and learning to accept the world for what it is, even though it hurts,
Why can’t people just get along? War destroys people and the hearts of those they loved,
There are so many children suffering, and many more who will it’s unbelievable,
Most don’t believe in the impossible, why can’t we stitch up a bleeding wrist with a rainbow?
The lonely mouse locked inside its cage, looks out to the kitchen countertop,
Sighting a large triangle of cheese sitting on a plate, I believe I can too…

The stars are glittery in the dark ocean sky, amazing how the world spins around the sun,
Music tickles my ears, and defies gravity to my heart,
True love found me in the darkness, now I’m sparkling in the sun,
I am alive and have given birth to new life, healthy and happy just as it should be,
The day begins and ends so beautifully, with the gleaming sun upon the horizon,
I’ve discovered more to this world, and glad that I remain a part of it…

My time is up, and I’m pressing my final rose petals into the pages of life,
Life was given and life was taken away, promises were made and promises were broken,
My heart has learned to love the world good and bad, I’ve done my best here on earth,
And if some one were to ask, “What has kept you going all this time?” I will say,
“Life will take your breath away…”
I’m dying warm in my bed, but the light is so bright it hurts my eyes…

-SW~

A Fading Memory or A Dream...

Uncle N... he's fading... he's a memory that's hard to forget... but also hard to remember... my past seems like a dream, not a memory... even now it just seems like he's in some far away dream... have I been dreaming all this time...? I miss him... but it seems like he's just some kind person I just made up to make up for my reasons of sadness, he seems so distant, it's almost like he never existed... I feel lost... he's still disappearing and even if I have been dreaming all this time... I don't want to forget those dreams... I was happy... but those memories are like water... and their slipping away... I don't want to forget, I miss him too much... Uncle N.. he was my father... maybe just a father I suddenly decided to make up... four years... it seems longer than that, but maybe it's my depression that's making it seem that way... I hate it though... I hate how no matter how badly you want to remember something... you can't... and there's no way to refresh your memory... once you forget... that's it...

I've been wanting to cry these past couple of days, but I'm trying to keep myself up... I can't... I've been trying to solve the way I feel all on my own, but I can't... but there's no one I can really talk to either... I can't focus in school... I can't seem to do anything... maybe I really am fucked up... but i feel so alone... I can't keep up with myself... it's killing me on the inside...

Lately, when I walk around the house or at school... I feel like a phantom... I feel ghostly... and sad... I'm really starting to get sick of this feeling... and I feel like somethings deeply wrong... I don't know what it is... but... I feel like somethings wrong too...

... I hate loosing someone so dear to your heart...

Sometimes I really wish I was dreaming...

My Sneaky Discovery of the Morning Secret

Every morning of everyday, my dad will lock himself in the study room, where there is a computer, lock the door, and stay in there for roughly 2 and a half hours... What the fuck does he do in there for all that time? Well some possibilities came to mind. Maybe he's just updating some stuff on the computer, maybe he just sits there and watches TV? Nah, he's definitely on the computer... maybe he looks at porn? Cause it is a reasonable thought. One day me and my sis were looking for something in the study room closet and we found a motorcycle calender with girls in bikinis on them... What if he does look at porn?... Well it is a strong possibility.

So yesterday morning when he was out in the garage taking a smoke, I snuck into the study room and I pulled up some windows he had minimized, he was downloading software onto the computer. Nothing special, but then I decided to check the history... Damn it! he had erased it recently, but there was still some stuff on there from today...

I paused, then opened it up, none of these website titles were sexual. Most were just some sale stuff, listing new computers and software... but then one had the word "images" in it... Now why would he look at images?... well he might have just wanted to look at a computer design or something... I hesitated. "Should i open it?" I said to myself... Well, I opened it...

My heart sank... it was already bad enough that I already hated my dad, but this--this just made it worse. It really was porn, a set of small pictures put together into one from the Internet of a man fucking a girls ass and sucking on her vagina and her sucking his balls. I definitely saw it coming but... jeez... now what?

I closed it up and left as if I had never been on... It bothered me the rest of the day... I was uncomfortable with my dad already... now what? my sister doesn't know and I bet mom doesn't have a clue... I began to regret sneaking in there but, I guess it's for the best that I do know... now I know to be even more careful... So yes, I'm glad I know... but I can't tell mom and my sister... but... it's bugging the hell out of me. And maybe it's something I shouldn't be making that big of a deal out of cause yes a lot of guys look at porn as well as girls, but it's a big deal to me. It's a really big deal. It's different thinking your dad looks at porn, versus, you know your dad looks at porn and it's different from a teenager looking at porn versus a fifty year old man who looks at porn and lives with two daughters and their mom....... MOTHER F**KER!! Now what?! I'm stressing now... everything is just worse now... but maybe it was for the best...

I have hw... bye...

The Reason Why... and My Missing Piece

You know something? i just figured out some reasons why i do what i do, particularly why i treat my dad the way i do. I give him a lot of attitude and when he asked me why, i couldn't answer, but now that I've really given it a good long period of time to think about it, i know, why...

I treat my dad the way i do because, when i was 10-years-old my uncle died and i didn't like the soup we ordered a few days later at a restaurant and he got really mad at me and kept telling i didn't love uncle n anymore... "you don't love uncle n anymore"... how can you say that to me? he's the closest thing there ever was to me, closer to me than you will ever be. After that he didn't talk to me for a week. Not a single word. And also i discovered some other reasons, he used to force me and my sister (two years younger than me) to watch these scary movies, and he would always tell me "sorry isn't good enough". Sometimes he wouldn't talk to me or my sister for days, all because of these really stupid little things.

Okay so that's my reason for giving my dad attitude. Now, why do I always feel so worthless and hopeless? Well... first of all i lost my uncle when i was 10 (i didn't realize it till after he died but he was everything i ever had), second everyone was always picking on me calling me "mute" and "freak" all the time, they ran away from me, my best friend told me never to smile cause my teeth were a little crooked, and it seems my parents praise my sister more than me.

I don't know i just grew up happy when uncle n was around but after he died I started blaming myself for everything and hurting myself for every little mistake i made, even now, sometimes i can't look at myself in the mirror. I make myself sick to my stomach. I still don't understand how i have so many friends now. A lot of people love and care about me, i just don't believe them. Why me? I'm nothing special, I'm just me... I'm just another girl, like everyone else, but I'm different, what i consider in a bad way. I love the taste of blood, I write sad poetry... I don't believe you when you say you care...

One thing i can't figure out.... is that.... no matter how many friends i have around me... I still feel all alone... There's something missing inside me, one piece is my uncle but... there's something else.... I just feel so empty or flooded with sadness, I have tons of friends now and they always tell me how much they love me but... I still feel alone...

Sometimes I think maybe everyone would be better off without me, they wouldn't have to worry about me, one less mouth to feed, one less kid to worry about, one less person for the world to stop worrying about, one more just to simply pray for...

I've though about it and regret it... why didn't I kill myself all that time ago... part of me was afraid, another uncertain, and just a bunch of feelings but the most... unready... I'm not afraid to die, but I'm not ready to die... sometimes i really want to... but I'm not ready, I don't feel complete, I don't want to leave this world feeling empty and sad, as easy as it is to kill yourself when you do feel that way, i don't want to die, I'm not ready, but i don't want to be here on earth either... I don't belong anywhere...

What's missing in my heart?.... What piece of the puzzle am I missing?.... What part of life's "fullness" am I missing?....

Pencil Magic

what's up? ^^ i just finished watching 6 hours of powerpuffgirls last night. ah the memories... now i have the ending theme in my head ^_^""

so i know i haven't posted anything in a while, i've been a little busy >///< anyway, I've been workin' on some pencil sketches. It's a lot of fun, i finished copying a picture of my little sister when she was three~ ^^ I'm surprised it came out so well, I've never really done any real life drawings before and this was my first time coping a photo, I'm very proud, it looks really good, so that's a real accomplishment for me. I've also been working on one of my stories, hangin' out on youtube listening to music (HYDE~~! XD) and umm... yeah... so it's 7:32 now, I've been up for about an hour and a half now ^_^" i know it's the weekend and i get up so early, but i love to get up early ^^

all right, I'm going to go finish up a chibi drawing i started yesterday XD maybe I'll post some of my drawings... *shrug* ^_^"

bye-bye~

Midnight Apple

Silver ornament shinning white ribbons over the forest
Branches are enriched with darkness
And dreaming below the black bouquet of tress
A rich fruit with blood skin silently stands in cold water

The surface gently ripples and reflects the deep melancholy sky
As crisp apple centers shine above
Chiming to the rhythm of night till the cratered eye sets
For the golden coin is the anchor of night

Liquid frost curtain cool and smooth upon thin crimson skin
Beauty simple and clean cut through blindfold darkness
Affection gentle and kind and consistent
Though always lingering through smoked out candlelight
Till angels can lift it into the sky

-SW~

Rag Doll

Dusty wooden shelf high on the wall
There you sit slouched over with grace
Hello again my long life friend
My silenced rag doll

Button eyes blind as humans
Yarn hair creeps over your shoulders
As spiders take place where your brain should be
Yet you are the only one who understands

My dearly departed so lifeless
Share your dreams with mine
Tell me the secrets of your hidden life
My heart lusts to feel what you feel

A stitched on smile
Patched denim clothing
How can something so dead exist?
Perhaps you are just asleep at heart

My beautiful twin who’s falling apart
Let’s wish upon an airplane
And pray for the best even though
No one is coming to save us now

-SW~

Frosting

In a land of everlasting white
Falling over the spring with a sparkling sense of sweetness
Heaven pours among the frozen surface
The world is in a deep icy slumber

Clear blades cling to pale gray branches
Droplets pitter-pat onto the powdery floor below
A gentle rush of wind over the perfect landscape
Everywhere is caked with frosting

Sugar diamonds trickle gracefully down
Their tiny designs gleaming in the twilight morning
Starry in their shine they dance
Exhale of dry breath clouds

Winter crisp and cool till the year begins
Keeping warm under blankets of ice
For thousands of years now
For a thousand more as time goes on

-SW~

The Promise of Tomorrow

Sunset blooming in the distance
Blushing rosy pink from the attention
And though today has come to an end
There is always the promise of tomorrow

Through dark nights the sun closes its eyes
Sleeping soundly with the glittery stars
Who whisper precious lullabies in the calm
Then the sun awakens to a brand new day

White doves celebrate the rise of the morning star
As pale clouds flooded with color
And the light pours over flower petals
Shining through like stain glass windows

Gazing out of a foggy window
I trace a heart with my finger and draw in our initials
Then peer outside through the outlines
Beautiful tomorrow illuminates the sparkling dew

-SW~

I Love Insanity

all right so today's English class was insane, so we were playing this game with the whole class but this one really really stupid stupid girl goes ballistic with competitiveity and she runs up to the teacher screaming at the top of her lungs saying that this game was completely unfair because our team was loosing and the teacher tells her to go to the office. Well the kid in the front of the class is still rooting on his team (don't ask why = =") but then she went up to him and shoved him, luckily the wall caught him and he didn't fall onto the floor. But my God I thought she was going to shove our teacher O_O then after that some other kid walked out and she walked out all on her own cause she didn't want to take the test we had today. ... what the hell? why do I always get stuck with the most immature classes in the world? ... oh well, a little bit was entertainment but I was shocked.

but when i got home i found this awesome song. The original version is russian but this is the english version. I think it's talking about gay love. Anyway it's got an awesome beat XD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fgm2XlHtRPU

P.S.

Thank you so much for you're comments they really mean a lot to me ^^ umm... if there's anything you think I need to improve on/fix please tell me, thank you ^^

Later~

Angel Bones and Halos

Autumn tainted leaves hover on treasure chest branches
A pale gold pinch of open sunlight unfolds
Illuminating its path of travel from the clouds
And to the dry forest floor where once upon a time an angel fell from the sky

A tiny mess of bones piled onto one another
Tinge of yellow and dashed with threads of brown
Soft breezes strum crystal webs that cling and sway
And warmly kiss the halo at the top softly glowing with embarrassment

Shredded grasses and weed thorn flowers sprout
Lingering among the hidden shards of the skeleton
Cloaking vulnerability and weakness
Keeping strong the one who fell like a shooting star

-SW~

Moon Shadow Mind

Far away in a land of reflection and darkness
I once drifted to the white ornament in the starry universe
And my reflection echoed everywhere throughout the darkness
Though I cannot stand the sight of me I watched and fell to my knees
Cherry blossom trees gently pour its pale petals over my skin
As I hung my head to beg and plead

Glamorous velvet heavens paint opaque light over my invisible space
The cool breeze lifts the powdery dust and fragile flower shards
Bits and pieces tripping over my footprints till they reached a silver pool
Onyx under the surface and metallic to the eyes
Remaining still till one more salty tear drips off my cheek to ripple my sad self
Till the next slow rainfall comes to greet my heart

And the clear wine glass thin water orbs float away to disappear into the abyss
With their rainbow shine elegantly swirling in odd patterns
Easily lost there is no saving them once they have reached above my head
Silently exploding with no sound or disturbance
Forever erased and never to return to float in my space
A full collection of petals fall into the pool

Time ticks and tocks away withering my blooming and dying tree
Beating and pounding in my chest my emotions seem to leak
In the calm of my mind I lean against the bark stirring the reflection of the stars
Breathing became harder than I thought the longer time danced on the ballroom floor
Soft skin scratched and scared and bleeding spilling into my blue shadow beads
Pink began to brown and I withered too the longer I had oxygen to inhale

At last the abyss has come to swallow me
No forgetting and remembering as I descend to my beliefs
Kindly leaving a small trace of what once existed
Not only a skeleton and a coffin but also the minds of many who will carry me
Keeping alive a tiny flower only visible to those who know about it
A beautiful forget-me-not eternal in the ashes of me

-SW~

A Little Deeper into the Mind of One Who Drifts Through Night

okay what's up i'm done with hw for today (yes! XD) so now i'm going to fool around some more with my blog thank you so much for following my blog you guys ^^ umm... so i guess i'll post some more about myself ^_^

I'm left handed, and i love dark and twisted stuff, I love to write poetry so later I'll probably post some of those. Umm... oh! personality, i am very quiet, i am dark, very freindly, a little serious, and i question a lot of things such as, does everything in this world have some sort of meaning or purpose in life? what is my purpose/meaning if i have one? how beautiful of a mind does God have to come up with something like water? how many galaxys are really out there? why is death so deavestating along the lines of knowing that you will see them agian?..etc...

Yes my mind wanders often... more often than it should ^_^"" but it's okay

If I could have any one wish in the entire world, what would I wish for? (and no wishing for more wishes ^_~*) I would wish to spend exactly nine days in heaven, no more no less, why? because i really miss my uncle... I'll get more into that in April on the anniversry of his death.

umm... if i could spend the rest of my life repeating one day over and over for eternity without aging and forgetting everything the very instant I fall asleep each day.... it would be that one day in kindegarden when we were sampling all the different kinds of apples... why? because everyone that day was happy and Uncle N was still around and picked me up for school. It was a happy day and it's sweet and simple...

Well that's all for now I'll post somethings later or tomorrow if I have time ^_^""
Again thank you ^^

later

Okay not many people are going to read this

What's up, people? ^^ I'm new and so i'm learning on how to work the settings right now. I'm a little lost, but oh well ^_^"" if you are reading this right now... yay~! because I'm new to this site and I don't expect to many people to find me right now. So hello to whoever is readin' this. ^^