Life Will Take Your Breath Away

The light is so bright it hurts my eyes, and my chest inflates with air,
Everything is so loud so I’m screaming too, I smell blood in the atmosphere,
My body feels cold and sensitive, my stomach is growling,
My mind is so jumbled up from this dramatic change, I’m scared so what do I do?
And where am I? All of my senses seem to sting, what kind of world is this?
Tonight a new heart beats, and a new person is exposed to the world…

“Once upon a time” is how the story goes, tales of a far away princess and her knight,
There are so many different worlds I’ve read about, but none seem to portray the one I live in,
I am young and curious about this world, it is both amazing and beautiful,
And through out the night I will dream of those far off lands, as if reality is a fairytale,
“They lived happily ever after” is how is always ends, I want a happily ever after too,
I love people and they love me, and that’s what is truly important to me…

I’m just beginning to see the world now, for what it truly is,
I thought happiness didn’t come to an end, I was terribly wrong,
This world is cruel and not what I thought, I’ve heard of death but why does it happen?
My father is dead and I’m loosing my understanding, everyone is crying,
People are speaking to me with hurtful words, and I’m crying more often too,
What kind of life is this? What happened to the life I had before?

I’m growing up and learning to accept the world for what it is, even though it hurts,
Why can’t people just get along? War destroys people and the hearts of those they loved,
There are so many children suffering, and many more who will it’s unbelievable,
Most don’t believe in the impossible, why can’t we stitch up a bleeding wrist with a rainbow?
The lonely mouse locked inside its cage, looks out to the kitchen countertop,
Sighting a large triangle of cheese sitting on a plate, I believe I can too…

The stars are glittery in the dark ocean sky, amazing how the world spins around the sun,
Music tickles my ears, and defies gravity to my heart,
True love found me in the darkness, now I’m sparkling in the sun,
I am alive and have given birth to new life, healthy and happy just as it should be,
The day begins and ends so beautifully, with the gleaming sun upon the horizon,
I’ve discovered more to this world, and glad that I remain a part of it…

My time is up, and I’m pressing my final rose petals into the pages of life,
Life was given and life was taken away, promises were made and promises were broken,
My heart has learned to love the world good and bad, I’ve done my best here on earth,
And if some one were to ask, “What has kept you going all this time?” I will say,
“Life will take your breath away…”
I’m dying warm in my bed, but the light is so bright it hurts my eyes…

-SW~

A Fading Memory or A Dream...

Uncle N... he's fading... he's a memory that's hard to forget... but also hard to remember... my past seems like a dream, not a memory... even now it just seems like he's in some far away dream... have I been dreaming all this time...? I miss him... but it seems like he's just some kind person I just made up to make up for my reasons of sadness, he seems so distant, it's almost like he never existed... I feel lost... he's still disappearing and even if I have been dreaming all this time... I don't want to forget those dreams... I was happy... but those memories are like water... and their slipping away... I don't want to forget, I miss him too much... Uncle N.. he was my father... maybe just a father I suddenly decided to make up... four years... it seems longer than that, but maybe it's my depression that's making it seem that way... I hate it though... I hate how no matter how badly you want to remember something... you can't... and there's no way to refresh your memory... once you forget... that's it...

I've been wanting to cry these past couple of days, but I'm trying to keep myself up... I can't... I've been trying to solve the way I feel all on my own, but I can't... but there's no one I can really talk to either... I can't focus in school... I can't seem to do anything... maybe I really am fucked up... but i feel so alone... I can't keep up with myself... it's killing me on the inside...

Lately, when I walk around the house or at school... I feel like a phantom... I feel ghostly... and sad... I'm really starting to get sick of this feeling... and I feel like somethings deeply wrong... I don't know what it is... but... I feel like somethings wrong too...

... I hate loosing someone so dear to your heart...

Sometimes I really wish I was dreaming...

My Sneaky Discovery of the Morning Secret

Every morning of everyday, my dad will lock himself in the study room, where there is a computer, lock the door, and stay in there for roughly 2 and a half hours... What the fuck does he do in there for all that time? Well some possibilities came to mind. Maybe he's just updating some stuff on the computer, maybe he just sits there and watches TV? Nah, he's definitely on the computer... maybe he looks at porn? Cause it is a reasonable thought. One day me and my sis were looking for something in the study room closet and we found a motorcycle calender with girls in bikinis on them... What if he does look at porn?... Well it is a strong possibility.

So yesterday morning when he was out in the garage taking a smoke, I snuck into the study room and I pulled up some windows he had minimized, he was downloading software onto the computer. Nothing special, but then I decided to check the history... Damn it! he had erased it recently, but there was still some stuff on there from today...

I paused, then opened it up, none of these website titles were sexual. Most were just some sale stuff, listing new computers and software... but then one had the word "images" in it... Now why would he look at images?... well he might have just wanted to look at a computer design or something... I hesitated. "Should i open it?" I said to myself... Well, I opened it...

My heart sank... it was already bad enough that I already hated my dad, but this--this just made it worse. It really was porn, a set of small pictures put together into one from the Internet of a man fucking a girls ass and sucking on her vagina and her sucking his balls. I definitely saw it coming but... jeez... now what?

I closed it up and left as if I had never been on... It bothered me the rest of the day... I was uncomfortable with my dad already... now what? my sister doesn't know and I bet mom doesn't have a clue... I began to regret sneaking in there but, I guess it's for the best that I do know... now I know to be even more careful... So yes, I'm glad I know... but I can't tell mom and my sister... but... it's bugging the hell out of me. And maybe it's something I shouldn't be making that big of a deal out of cause yes a lot of guys look at porn as well as girls, but it's a big deal to me. It's a really big deal. It's different thinking your dad looks at porn, versus, you know your dad looks at porn and it's different from a teenager looking at porn versus a fifty year old man who looks at porn and lives with two daughters and their mom....... MOTHER F**KER!! Now what?! I'm stressing now... everything is just worse now... but maybe it was for the best...

I have hw... bye...

The Reason Why... and My Missing Piece

You know something? i just figured out some reasons why i do what i do, particularly why i treat my dad the way i do. I give him a lot of attitude and when he asked me why, i couldn't answer, but now that I've really given it a good long period of time to think about it, i know, why...

I treat my dad the way i do because, when i was 10-years-old my uncle died and i didn't like the soup we ordered a few days later at a restaurant and he got really mad at me and kept telling i didn't love uncle n anymore... "you don't love uncle n anymore"... how can you say that to me? he's the closest thing there ever was to me, closer to me than you will ever be. After that he didn't talk to me for a week. Not a single word. And also i discovered some other reasons, he used to force me and my sister (two years younger than me) to watch these scary movies, and he would always tell me "sorry isn't good enough". Sometimes he wouldn't talk to me or my sister for days, all because of these really stupid little things.

Okay so that's my reason for giving my dad attitude. Now, why do I always feel so worthless and hopeless? Well... first of all i lost my uncle when i was 10 (i didn't realize it till after he died but he was everything i ever had), second everyone was always picking on me calling me "mute" and "freak" all the time, they ran away from me, my best friend told me never to smile cause my teeth were a little crooked, and it seems my parents praise my sister more than me.

I don't know i just grew up happy when uncle n was around but after he died I started blaming myself for everything and hurting myself for every little mistake i made, even now, sometimes i can't look at myself in the mirror. I make myself sick to my stomach. I still don't understand how i have so many friends now. A lot of people love and care about me, i just don't believe them. Why me? I'm nothing special, I'm just me... I'm just another girl, like everyone else, but I'm different, what i consider in a bad way. I love the taste of blood, I write sad poetry... I don't believe you when you say you care...

One thing i can't figure out.... is that.... no matter how many friends i have around me... I still feel all alone... There's something missing inside me, one piece is my uncle but... there's something else.... I just feel so empty or flooded with sadness, I have tons of friends now and they always tell me how much they love me but... I still feel alone...

Sometimes I think maybe everyone would be better off without me, they wouldn't have to worry about me, one less mouth to feed, one less kid to worry about, one less person for the world to stop worrying about, one more just to simply pray for...

I've though about it and regret it... why didn't I kill myself all that time ago... part of me was afraid, another uncertain, and just a bunch of feelings but the most... unready... I'm not afraid to die, but I'm not ready to die... sometimes i really want to... but I'm not ready, I don't feel complete, I don't want to leave this world feeling empty and sad, as easy as it is to kill yourself when you do feel that way, i don't want to die, I'm not ready, but i don't want to be here on earth either... I don't belong anywhere...

What's missing in my heart?.... What piece of the puzzle am I missing?.... What part of life's "fullness" am I missing?....