You know something? i just figured out some reasons why i do what i do, particularly why i treat my dad the way i do. I give him a lot of attitude and when he asked me why, i couldn't answer, but now that I've really given it a good long period of time to think about it, i know, why...
I treat my dad the way i do because, when i was 10-years-old my uncle died and i didn't like the soup we ordered a few days later at a restaurant and he got really mad at me and kept telling i didn't love uncle n anymore... "you don't love uncle n anymore"... how can you say that to me? he's the closest thing there ever was to me, closer to me than you will ever be. After that he didn't talk to me for a week. Not a single word. And also i discovered some other reasons, he used to force me and my sister (two years younger than me) to watch these scary movies, and he would always tell me "sorry isn't good enough". Sometimes he wouldn't talk to me or my sister for days, all because of these really stupid little things.
Okay so that's my reason for giving my dad attitude. Now, why do I always feel so worthless and hopeless? Well... first of all i lost my uncle when i was 10 (i didn't realize it till after he died but he was everything i ever had), second everyone was always picking on me calling me "mute" and "freak" all the time, they ran away from me, my best friend told me never to smile cause my teeth were a little crooked, and it seems my parents praise my sister more than me.
I don't know i just grew up happy when uncle n was around but after he died I started blaming myself for everything and hurting myself for every little mistake i made, even now, sometimes i can't look at myself in the mirror. I make myself sick to my stomach. I still don't understand how i have so many friends now. A lot of people love and care about me, i just don't believe them. Why me? I'm nothing special, I'm just me... I'm just another girl, like everyone else, but I'm different, what i consider in a bad way. I love the taste of blood, I write sad poetry... I don't believe you when you say you care...
One thing i can't figure out.... is that.... no matter how many friends i have around me... I still feel all alone... There's something missing inside me, one piece is my uncle but... there's something else.... I just feel so empty or flooded with sadness, I have tons of friends now and they always tell me how much they love me but... I still feel alone...
Sometimes I think maybe everyone would be better off without me, they wouldn't have to worry about me, one less mouth to feed, one less kid to worry about, one less person for the world to stop worrying about, one more just to simply pray for...
I've though about it and regret it... why didn't I kill myself all that time ago... part of me was afraid, another uncertain, and just a bunch of feelings but the most... unready... I'm not afraid to die, but I'm not ready to die... sometimes i really want to... but I'm not ready, I don't feel complete, I don't want to leave this world feeling empty and sad, as easy as it is to kill yourself when you do feel that way, i don't want to die, I'm not ready, but i don't want to be here on earth either... I don't belong anywhere...
What's missing in my heart?.... What piece of the puzzle am I missing?.... What part of life's "fullness" am I missing?....
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2 comments:
Your missing Love.
Don't die.
Until you die.
Don't even think about killing yourself.
Hello Spell Writer,
I saw that you commented on my blog, and I must say, it brought me much joy seeing that my writings brought finally helped someone, even if it is very small. Now for your post, I sensed a striking resemblance between you and my younger self. I have attempted suicide, and although it was a very tragic moment in my life, it was one of the defining moments which has lead to my beliefs and who I am today. Let me tell you what I inferred...
First off, I suggest you read my post "Dependent and Independent Relationships" as it goes into detail about what I am going to describe to you.
At the time of your uncle's death, I am guessing you were under a lot of emotional stress, but not nearly as much as your father. Now I don't know how your father felt about your uncle dying, whether they were directly related or not, but I'm guessing your father felt a lot of pain following your uncles death. When he said that you didn't love your uncle anymore, it was most likely a way for him to cope. It probably gave him an outlet for his stress, but also gave him a sort of reassurance that he had a connection to your uncle and that your father was somewhat, special. The other things I do not know enough about to describe why they happened, but it seems that you are smarter than your father. Now for you..
As you have probably noticed, your chain of events into misery started with your uncle death, but let me tell you why. Following his decease, you were in an emotional aftershock, weak and unstable. So to support yourself, you leaned and depended on your friends and family to support you and remind you that you have those bonds with others. However, when your hopes were up, your father came in at the perfectly wrong time and said what he did. This totally rewired your way of perceiving bonds and friendships, and this begins your progression into misery. As others begin to move on, you still need others but now you have a fear of the ordinary bonds, so you need someone better. However, you look, but again are let down. Your friends let you down, even your best friend. You look to your parents, but again they are more preoccupied with your sister. This continually increases your loneliness and necessity for a trustworthy friend. But after meeting so much disappointment, no average person will be able to help you. You need a person that does not exist in the real world, and so you have entered into a chain of misery, where the one thing that can help you is the one thing you cannot attain. So now that we have identified the core of the problem, we can designate a solution.
You are dependent on relationships. You have your friends, but none of them meet the standards you need to come back, so even though they say that they love you and will care for you, it doesn’t satisfy what you need. This is why no matter how many friends you have, you still feel alone. So how do I suggest you fix this? You must become independent. You must learn to wean yourself off the supports you have always had, and learn to live where your actions and thoughts do not need someone else’s permission or praise. You must live for you and only you, because when you depend on others to be there to support you, they let you down. Now I must explain to you why it is so important that you solve this…
Nearly 3 years ago, when I was in 8th grade, I was extremely depressed. I was extremely dependent on others and they continually let me down. Granted I didn’t realize this until this past summer, but that is what happened. I decided one day I was done. Nobody seemed to want me anymore, nobody needed me, I was worthless. Then there was also the part of me that wanted to do it for revenge. I thought, “Oh will they suffer when I’m dead. They will all cry their eyes out, and think ‘what have I done’ and then they will learn what they did to me” So on a Thursday morning, I woke up out of bed and took 13 Tylenols. It wasn’t what I imagined, I didn’t just sprawl out on the floor spazzing. For a little while I felt fine, I went to school and sat and talked like I did every other, as I felt the effects slowly creeping in. I was dizzy, nauseous and weak. In my 1st period class, I finally decided the suffering was too much and that I needed help. I started walking towards the nurse when my energy suddenly left me, and I collapsed. I woke up in an ambulance with a man asking me what I did, how many I took, what kind, and most disturbing, why. I told him the facts about the pills, but when I had to answer why, I had no answer. I was too embarrassed. He told me how I might have to endure a very painful process where they stuck a tube down my throat and sucked the pills out of my stomach, all while I was awake. I finally lost control and burst out into tears. We arrived at the hospital, and when they opened the door my mom was there… She was crying hysterically, and let me tell you, I had never felt worse in my entire life. I had always thought of my selfish needs, but I never thought about the effect my death would have on others. My two younger sisters would have been devastated, along with my entire family. It was such a scary thought, thinking I was going to die. Back in the hospital, they said that had I come in 15 minutes later, I would have suffered permanent liver damage, and been confined to pills and doctors the rest of my life. I was in the hospital for 4 days, and nearly all of my family members came to visit me. I cried and cried, miserable. I had never been so guilty in my entire life. For the next year I had to see both a psychiatrist and a psychologist to make sure I would never do it again. Now I am fine. I went to the end of life and made it, and because of it, my view is completely different. It wasn’t until I started working, acting, and living independently of others that I began to feel happy again. No longer was a compelled to sit and wait for other people to save me. I was free, and god, it felt so good, so new. I have shared with you all the knowledge I have on the subject and shed a tear or two recalling these events so that maybe you would learn from my mistakes, so please don’t let my poor efforts be in vain ;)
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