A Fading Memory or A Dream...

Uncle N... he's fading... he's a memory that's hard to forget... but also hard to remember... my past seems like a dream, not a memory... even now it just seems like he's in some far away dream... have I been dreaming all this time...? I miss him... but it seems like he's just some kind person I just made up to make up for my reasons of sadness, he seems so distant, it's almost like he never existed... I feel lost... he's still disappearing and even if I have been dreaming all this time... I don't want to forget those dreams... I was happy... but those memories are like water... and their slipping away... I don't want to forget, I miss him too much... Uncle N.. he was my father... maybe just a father I suddenly decided to make up... four years... it seems longer than that, but maybe it's my depression that's making it seem that way... I hate it though... I hate how no matter how badly you want to remember something... you can't... and there's no way to refresh your memory... once you forget... that's it...

I've been wanting to cry these past couple of days, but I'm trying to keep myself up... I can't... I've been trying to solve the way I feel all on my own, but I can't... but there's no one I can really talk to either... I can't focus in school... I can't seem to do anything... maybe I really am fucked up... but i feel so alone... I can't keep up with myself... it's killing me on the inside...

Lately, when I walk around the house or at school... I feel like a phantom... I feel ghostly... and sad... I'm really starting to get sick of this feeling... and I feel like somethings deeply wrong... I don't know what it is... but... I feel like somethings wrong too...

... I hate loosing someone so dear to your heart...

Sometimes I really wish I was dreaming...